


I'd rather walk into the freezing ocean

by gluupor



Series: The Continuing Adventures of the Nine-Nine [5]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Brooklyn Nine-Nine inspired, Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 10:17:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13545279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluupor/pseuds/gluupor
Summary: “No,” said Neil. “The friends that matter most are the ones who let you get a full eight hours of sleep.”“You get a full eight hours of sleep each night?” asked Kevin incredulously.Neil looked at him flatly. “Not lately.Someonekeeps calling me when he can’t sleep and he reads things on the internet that upset him.”“It’s such an upsetting place,” defended Kevin. “Almost no one uses proper grammar.”





	I'd rather walk into the freezing ocean

**Author's Note:**

> I can be found on tumblr [@gluupor](http://gluupor.tumblr.com).

On Thursday morning, Kevin groaned loudly and then started thunking his head off his desk repeatedly.

“What’s happened now, Kevin?” asked Neil. “Wymack isn’t in, so you couldn’t have embarrassed yourself in front of him yet.” He paused. “Wait, did you get reprimanded for sending obnoxious emails again?” He scoffed. “Amateur. This is why you should always say your insults to someone's face. No paper trail.”

“No,” said Kevin miserably. “My mother is coming to take me to lunch today.”

“Oh,” said Neil sitting back in his chair. Then, starting to smile, “Allison is going to worship her.”

“Usually I am the worshipp _ee_ not the worshipp _er_ ,” said Allison.

“You enjoy Kevin’s misery, right?” asked Neil.

“I _love_ Kevin’s misery,” agreed Allison.

“There you go.”

Kevin sent Neil a dirty look. “I thought we were friends,” he said.

“No, Kevin,” said Neil. “Friends don’t call at 4am because they’re annoyed about morphology-based classification.”

“It’s so stupid!” Kevin ranted. “I read a post that said that coconuts are mammals just because they have milk and hair!”

“Ergo, we are not friends,” said Neil.

“I would argue that it's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter most,” said Matt.

“No,” said Neil. “The friends that matter most are the ones who let you get a full eight hours of sleep.”

“You get a full eight hours of sleep each night?” asked Kevin incredulously.

Neil looked at him flatly. “Not lately. _Someone_ keeps calling me when he can’t sleep and he reads things on the internet that upset him.”

“It’s such an upsetting place,” defended Kevin. “Almost no one uses proper grammar.”

Neil sighed. “I thought you were taking medication for your anxiety that helps you sleep?” he said.

“I am!” said Kevin. “But all this stuff with Riko’s appeal is stressing me out even more than usual.”

“Wait,” said Allison. “Go back to Kevin’s misery.”

“Okay,” said Neil. “Imagine what you think the woman who raised Kevin would be like.”

“Alright,” hummed Allison. “I expect that she’s strict, and demanding of perfection, and career driven, and repressed.”

“And now imagine the exact opposite of that, and you’ll get a pretty good idea of what Kayleigh Day’s like,” said Neil. At Allison’s incredulous look, he shrugged. “I’m pretty sure that Kevin crafted his whole personality to be the antithesis of his mother.”

“She’s so embarrassing,” said Kevin sadly. “She can’t focus on one thing for long and her interests change periodically. I mean, she co-invented exy! The greatest sport of all time. But then she claimed that she was ‘bored’ with it and took up weaving for six months. She travels all the time looking for something to hold her interest and ‘discovers’ other cultures. She’s basically the wealthy white protagonist from Eat, Pray, Love.”

“You’ve seen Eat, Pray, Love?” Dan queried.

“No,” said Kevin irritably. “...My mom made me read it. She thought it was inspirational.”

“What’s her current interest?” asked Matt.

“Astrology,” said Kevin. “She’s convinced that following horoscopes can bring enlightenment. She’s been sending me articles for the past couple months about finding the perfect Virgo or Taurus to complement my compassionate, artistic personality.”

“Compassionate and artistic?” asked Matt. “Has she _met_ you?”

“You can’t find a Virgo,” interrupted Allison. “ _One_ of you has to know what you’re doing when you have sex.”

“Virgos aren’t necessarily virgins,” said Dan.

“Shut up, my insult was hilarious,” said Allison.

“Why don’t you just email her back and tell her that you can’t see her today?” asked Neil reasonably.

Kevin looked affronted. “I can’t _lie_ to her!”

“Why not?” asked Neil. “Lying is easy. I do it all the time.”

“No, I mean I physically cannot lie to my mother,” corrected Kevin. “Whenever I try, I basically forget how to speak like a human. Last time this happened, I told her that I couldn’t go to lunch because I'd already consumed the required calories for that day period.”

“Is that a reaction you have to all authority figures or just your parents?” Matt asked.

“He’s afraid of disappointing anyone,” said Dan.

“That’s not true,” protested Kevin.

“Oh, yeah?” challenged Allison. “So that _wasn’t_ you sobbing in the break room when Captain Wymack expressed disappointment in you?”

“I - no - that wasn’t -” sputtered Kevin. “Wait, did Wymack _say_ he was disappointed in me? When?” He looked about ten seconds away from having to breathe into a bag.

“Relax, Kevin,” said Matt. “Allison, you’re going to make him cry.”

“Good,” said Allison. “I love making people cry. And I’m good at it.”

“Yes, congratulations for being a bully,” said Kevin sarcastically.

Allison looked affronted. “I can make Matt cry by saying only three sentences, none of them hurtful,” she said.

“You can not,” said Matt.

“You asked for this,” muttered Dan. “You cry at everything.”

Allison raised an eyebrow at him. “Think about The Forest Again chapter from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.”

Matt swallowed roughly. “Harry Potter is so brave,” he whispered.

“Now,” continued Allison, “think about the scene from The Fox and the Hound when the fox is abandoned at the wildlife preserve.”

Matt’s lower lip wobbled. “Tod didn’t understand what was happening. She just _left him_. He didn’t know it was for his own good.”

“Finally,” said Allison in a low voice, “remember the last two minutes of the Futurama episode Jurassic Bark.”

Matt’s eyes filled with tears. He valiantly tried to blink them away, but they spilled over. “Seymour waited in vain every day for the rest of his life for his best friend to come back!”

“Wow,” said Neil, watching Matt curiously. “I do not understand anything that just happened.”

“Have you _ever_ cried Neil?” asked Dan.

“Once that I can recall,” said Neil. “A couple years ago I was shot on the job. It wasn’t too bad - it just grazed above my vest - but apparently being shot hurts _a lot_.”

“If I remember correctly you asked me where your head was bleeding from because you didn’t understand what the hot liquid running down your face was,” said Kevin.

“Yeah, and then you started crying because you thought I was going to die and I had to comfort you,” said Neil.

“Sometimes I panic in a crisis,” said Kevin defensively.

“Good thing you’re a police officer, then,” said Dan, dryly.

* * *

Kayleigh Day arrived in a whirlwind of colour just before noon. Allison, Matt, Neil, and Kevin were the only people in the bullpen; Wymack had dragged Nicky off to a meeting, Dan was out on a case, and Renee and Andrew were down in the morgue.

Kayleigh stood tall like Kevin and shared his dark hair and green eyes, but their physical similarities ended there. She was Irish pale, while Kevin had inherited Wymack’s dark skin tone. She smiled widely when she saw Kevin and rushed over to him.

He stood and hugged her. “Hi Mom,” he said.

“My baby Pisces,” Kayleigh said, cupping Kevin’s face in her hand. Although she had lived outside of Ireland for most of her adult life, she still had a light accent. “Look at you. Always working. What happened to my fun little boy?”

“Fun?” said Kevin in disbelief. “I was never fun. You take that back.”

“I think exy and exercise are fun,” said Neil loyally.

“Oh, Neil,” said Kayleigh, noticing him. “It’s great to see you. Kevin told me that you’d transferred here.” She sighed. “You know, I’ve always been sad that the two of you never got together as lovers.”

Kevin sputtered. “Mom, _ew_ ,” he said.

“When’s your birthday, Neil?” Kayleigh asked, ignoring Kevin.

“January 19,” Neil answered, with trepidation. He wanted to laugh at Kevin, not have Kayleigh’s attention on him.

“A Capricorn!” she said. “I’m even sadder now that you two didn’t work out. You have a pretty acceptable overall compatibility, but your sexual chemistry would be off the charts.”

“Please stop,” Kevin choked. Allison and Matt watched on in delight.

Kayleigh continued ignoring her son’s input. “Now, Neil, with your responsible, disciplined, and self-controlled personality-” Kevin scoffed loudly “-you would do best with a Taurus or a Cancer.”

“Dan’s a Taurus!” said Matt happily. “You can date her as long as you date me, too.”

“I’m a Cancer,” added Allison.

“Yes, you are,” Kevin said, looking at her darkly.

“I’m actually not looking for anybody to date,” Neil said as politely as possible.

“Oh, you’ve already got your eye on someone?” Kayleigh asked. “Tell me their birthday and I can give you a compatibility rating.”

“Uhh…” said Neil.

“How about his compatibility with a man born in the beginning of November?” Allison asked, with false innocence. “Say, the fourth.” Neil wrinkled his brow in confusion. How did Allison know when Andrew’s birthday was? That was the type of personal information that Andrew kept under wraps.

“Ooh, a Scorpio, good choice,” said Kayleigh brightly. “Okay, Scorpios are resourceful, brave, and passionate. They like truth and facts and being right, while disliking dishonesty and revealing their own secrets. Now, to seduce a Scorpio man you will have to make sure to keep an air of mystery around you because for him it will be all about the challenge and about capturing something, so you should play hard to get. Being honest and affectionate is also very important.”

“Is that right?” said Allison, watching Neil who was keeping his face blank.

“Anyway, Neil if you manage to capture this Scorpio,” continued Kayleigh, “you will have fairly good compatibility. As I said, Scorpios value honesty. Now, you shouldn’t be worried if you’re not a particularly honest person; your relationship with a direct and honest Scorpio will make you feel like you should be as honest as possible. The trust between you will be immense and the foundation of your relationship can be rock solid, as both Scorpios and Capricorns are both deep and don’t take things lightly; however, your relationship may end up being too dark and unemotional.”

Neil was reluctantly impressed with how accurate some of what she said was.

“Now, sexually,” said Kayleigh, drawing another protest from Kevin, “there may be a little incompatibility. In general, Scorpio exalts Uranus-” Matt started choking on laughter, while Neil managed to keep emotion off his face. Kevin glared at the ceiling. “-so he may be a bit frustrated by a conservative approach.”

“Yeah, Neil,” said Allison slyly. “Scorpio exalts Uranus.”

“Are we twelve?” Neil asked.

“We could be a hundred and juvenile humour would still be funny,” said Matt.

“Kevin,” said Allison, “on a scale of one to your daily interactions with Wymack, how embarrassed are you right now?”

“Why?” asked Kevin suspiciously. Nicky and Wymack entered the bullpen.

“Because it’s about to get _so much worse_ ,” said Allison happily.

“David!” Kayleigh greeted. “It’s been ages!”

“Hello, Kayleigh,” said Wymack. “I didn’t know you were in town.”

“For a short period,” said Kayleigh. “While I’m here we should get together for dinner! I would love to meet your wife. Personally, I don’t ascribe to monogamy, but I’m so happy that you found someone to settle down with.”

“I remember,” said Wymack gruffly. “I’ll speak with Abby about her work schedule and get back to you about the most appropriate time.”

“It really is too bad,” said Kayleigh thoughtfully. “You were a tiger in the sack.” Kevin whimpered.

“It’s been lovely to see you Kayleigh, but I think I’m getting a text message,” said Wymack. “Bloop. Oh, there it is.” He took his phone out and hastily retreated to his office. Kevin looked after him in envy.

“Are tigers particularly good at sex?” Nicky wondered. “Cause I’ve seen videos of big cats having sex-”

“ _Why_?!” demanded Matt.

“-and mostly the males just finish, roll off the female, and go to sleep like they’re husbands from the 1950s,” Nicky concluded. He looked thoughtful. “Although, I _can_ see Wymack-”

“Stop,” said Kevin forcefully. “If you finish that sentence I will do everything in my power to have you arrested for a crime you didn’t commit.”

* * *

Meanwhile, down in the morgue, Aaron was finishing up his report on a murder victim to Andrew and Renee.

“Andrew, can you stay for a minute?” he asked. “I need to talk to you.”

“I will just go… away from here,” said Renee, quickly extricating herself from any personal conversation between the twins. Andrew turned to go with her, but she just clasped his shoulders and rotated him back towards Aaron.

Andrew sighed. “What do you want?” he asked.

“Your mother’s birthday is in a couple weeks, and I’m bringing Katelyn to her party,” said Aaron. “I don’t want you attacking her again, so we’re going to hash this out now.”

“It was a rubber knife,” said Andrew. “I don’t know why she was so upset.”

Aaron was unimpressed. “What’s your problem with Katelyn?”

“I don’t want to say,” said Andrew.

“Why not?”

“Because it will sound stupid if I say it out loud,” muttered Andrew.

“Say it anyway,” said Aaron.

“You’re terrible at picking girlfriends.”

“What?” asked Aaron. “I am not.”

“What about that girl you wanted to marry before you found out that she was regularly having orgies with other men, women, and people of other genders?”

“Courtney,” Aaron sighed. “Yeah, she wasn’t the greatest.”

“Or the woman you dated in medical school who kept making comments about how your kidneys felt healthy whenever you hugged her? She was later arrested for selling organs on the black market.”

“Jasmine.”

“Or the girl who stalked you and left you threatening notes, but tried to soften them like she was joking: I’m going to gouge out your eyes if you keep looking at other women, ha ha?”

“Melissa,” said Aaron. “I guess she was a little unstable.”

“Or the woman who had a pet ferret?”

“Christine?” asked Aaron. “There wasn’t anything wrong with her.”

“She had a pet ferret, Aaron. Have you ever seen a ferret? It’s the unholy love child of a cat and a snake.”

“It was a little creepy,” admitted Aaron.

“There was that one woman who said, on your _first date_ , that she wanted you to get her pregnant so that you could never leave her,” said Andrew.

“Alright, enough,” said Aaron sharply. “We don’t have to rehash my dating history. How do you even know these things, anyway?”

“You told Nicky, therefore you told the world,” said Andrew. “There’s a very good reason that he knows almost nothing about me.”

“Regardless, it doesn’t matter,” said Aaron. “You don’t get to decide who I date, even out of some misguided protective instinct. I have been allowed very few choices in my life; I didn’t choose to be the one mom kept, I didn’t choose to be an addict, I didn’t choose whether or not to meet you, I didn’t choose to be taken away from mom by CPS.” Andrew looked like he wanted to say something, but Aaron held up a hand forestalling him. “I know now that it was a good thing that you reported her abuse, but I didn’t get a say in the matter. I also didn’t get to choose to live with my aunt and uncle afterwards, and it was them who chose my major for me and which university I attended. But I get to choose who I love. And right now I choose Katelyn and you’re going to have to live with that.”

“I think that’s the most I’ve ever heard you say at one time,” said Andrew.

“Yeah, that’s not hypocritical at all,” said Aaron accusingly. “You never even told me you had a boyfriend until after I accidentally learned you got married.”

“It’s not like you’d ever been accepting or supportive of my sexuality,” said Andrew. “And every time you get mad you still use it against me as a weapon.”

“I just don’t understand,” Aaron said in frustration. “I especially don’t understand why it seems like you love Josten.”

“We’ve been together for over a decade and married for half that time,” said Andrew blankly. “Of course I love him. You don’t have to understand it, you just have to accept it.”

Aaron rubbed a hand down his face. “You’re right. I’ll try.”

“I won’t attack Katelyn again.”

Aaron gave a dry laugh. “Look at us, talking through our issues like adults. It’s almost like all those joint therapy sessions that your mother talked Aunt Maria into forcing me to attend when we were seventeen were worth it.”

“Don’t tell her that,” said Andrew in warning. “She will be unbearably smug.”

* * *

Neil had a far-off look when he and Andrew were preparing dinner together that evening. Andrew took one glance at his face and traded tasks with him; sometimes when Neil wore a particular expression it was best that he didn’t touch the knives.

Andrew jabbed him ungently at the base of the spine. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Ow!” said Neil, twisting away from Andrew’s hand. “Nothing’s wrong,” he said. Andrew just gave him a level look. “Do you think we’re too dark and unemotional?”

“You’re worried about the astrology nonsense?” Andrew asked incredulously. “Allison told Renee about it while giving me triumphant glances,” he explained at Neil’s confusion.

“No, I’m not worried,” said Neil. “It just got me thinking about how other people might see our relationship.”

“It doesn’t matter how other people see our relationship,” said Andrew. “We’re the ones in it; therefore, we’re the ones who have to be satisfied. Are you satisfied?”

“You know I am,” said Neil.

“Good,” said Andrew and clasped Neil’s hips. “I talked with Aaron today.”

Neil leaned in to kiss Andrew’s neck and then draped his arms across his shoulders. “Everything go okay?” Neil asked. At Andrew’s nod, he smiled. “Want to talk about it?”

“No,” said Andrew and gave Neil a bruising kiss before pushing him away. “Now stir that while I chop the rest of the vegetables.”

Later, when they were asleep, Neil’s phone rang. He blindly reached out to pick it up, squinting at the caller ID.

“Kevin,” he groaned. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s my Hogwarts house?” Kevin asked, sounding panicked.

“I don’t understand the question,” said Neil.

“What’s going on?” muttered Andrew, blinking angrily in the light from Neil’s phone.

Neil pulled the phone away from his ear and turned to Andrew. “He wants to know his Hogwarts house?” he said uncertainly.

Andrew used some choice words before taking the phone. “It’s ludicrous to sort young children based on a single personality trait,” he said. He paused, listening. “Slytherin. No, it’s not evil. It’s for people who are ambitious and cunning and you’re the most ambitious person I know.” Another pause. “You wouldn’t be alone, Neil’s also a Slytherin.” He was quiet again. “Yes, he is. No, I’m a Hufflepuff.” A final pause. “Good. Now stop bothering us in the middle of the night or I’m going to feed you your entrails. Have you ever seen a video of a honey badger? Hufflepuffs can ruin you.”

He snapped Neil’s phone closed and tossed it back onto the nightstand. He settled back down, pulling Neil against his chest.

“You do know he’s going to call back in about an hour in a panic over honey badgers, right?” Neil asked.

“You’re a honey badger,” muttered Andrew into the back of Neil’s neck. “It’s strange. I don’t _remember_ agreeing to adopt a needy adult with you.”

“You knew what Kevin was like when you informed me that we were getting married,” said Neil. “That’s implicit agreement.”

“Should have read the small print,” mumbled Andrew.

“You could trade me in for a better model,” suggested Neil.

“I might if you don’t stop talking,” said Andrew. “Go back to sleep.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have nothing against ferrets or astrology. All my astrology knowledge came from [this website](http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/), including the super juvenile Uranus joke.
> 
> Let me know what you think!


End file.
